Thursday, July 30, 2009

I am lonely, yet not just anyone will do. I don't know why some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness. In reality those who satisfy me are those who allow me to live simply with my idea of them. I have lots of ideas when I think about you.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


California. Where the mountains climb so tall, and waves crash blue around you. I will be here. On this coast. In one month. My heart is doing backflips and cartwheels and my stomach is turning inside out. Travis says everything is free in california and that we are going to touch seals on their bellies. Amanda says we're going to explore and I'm never going to want to come home. There's something sweet about seeing the world. My entire life feels better.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I've got to admit, I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

I just want to fall asleep tangled up with someone every single night.

Friday, July 24, 2009

This does not pertain to my life but it certainly makes me smile and feel like maybe one day someone will feel like this about me.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I wasn't born with enough middle fingers.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart,
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

chicago. i am coming.

I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive. I have the wildest feeling in my guts when I think about leaving here at the end of August. Is it good timing? On one hand, the timing couldn't be better. I owe too much money to school so I can't go back this semester, my lease is up and I literally feel like home is nowhere, all my friends have these big plans and all I have is what is left over from my shattered big plans. I can look at it two ways. My plans are shattered, or maybe I don't need some fucking plan at all. I choose the second. I know now how foolish we were to think that things could ever have worked out for us. The entire time, he told me, "Jessica, you and I are two entirely different people." On the major things, religion, societal norms, humor, we were so in tune it literally felt magical. On the little things, not even close. Not even halfway. At some point in being with him, I developed a very raw hatred for a lot of things, where I once loved or at least tried to understand them. I became surprisingly bitter and most of this was probably my own fault, but misery loves company. This is not to say there weren't incredibly happy days. But happiness and love isn't enough. He told me that all along but I just shrugged it off in my typical lovestruck manner. "love is all you need." I heard that my whole life, I swore it had to be true. After every fight I tried to mend it with, "but it's us." and, "i love you." And each fight only got worse. I have never been pushed to that point before, where I would stand shaking and ready to wreck everything and anyone in my sight. The day we broke up, after I asked him to never bother coming back home again, my own body couldn't even handle it and I sat on the floor in the bathroom while my insides came out of my mouth and I realized that was it. I was done. There is only so much you can put yourself through before you just throw your hands in the air, waving an imaginary flag of defeat. I gave up. Shut my heart down, like a tomb. Then suddenly a new interest is sparked, in someone you never would have guessed. I found myself drawn to a new person and I realized there is life after these shit storms. It is possible to truly love someone until the day your body shuts down. I can hate and I can hurt and I can mope but above all I can still love again. The simplest things have brought me the most enjoyable comfort, things I didn't even realize I needed before. Saying goodnight to johnny every night, hearing sarah and erica's voice daily, texting amanda before I sleep, riding bikes with nick, making new friends from canada and california and frank and his homer phone calls, these are the things I need. and these are the things I have. So, back to where i started this entry? Is this good timing? Should I go? I feel like the things that matter the most to me are things I will be able to take with me no matter where I go. The wiring of my brain is something you would not believe.

Anyway, I'm late for work. Art fair can eat my shit, I'm tired of being tired. But at least I've had the best week of this summer.

This band has broken my heart and put it back together again too many times to count.This song is what letting go FEELS like.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

It's my barfday, gonna party like it's mah barf day. I am 21. Instead of an alocohlic beverage, at midnight, I consumed a monster burrito. Vegan. Straight edge. Dude.

Last night Johnny and Amanda and I laid in the middle of hogwarts, our favorite enchanted-ass forest in the middle of the law quad and they talked about Harry Potter and my dome wandered elsewhere and I thought about how quickly things have changed for me in just a month. No regrets, though. Life is what happens while we're making plans. So we're laying in the dark and I keep hearing what I think is somebody sneaking around by us, trying to chop our heads off. Instead, a sprinkler in the ground, aimed directly at my face shoots on, straight at my glasses and we all tumble around out of it's path, kicking and screaming.

I love how that place actually feels like magic, like there's some little freak leprechaun playing tricks on us in there. I bet the air is made of wizard breath and dragon farts.

In any case, it's been a great start to my birthday. Thanks, babiez.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Last night was the best I've felt all summer, maybe. Amanda Martin is an angel. Jasdave is the funniest prince I've ever met in my life. Hands down. Ever. I may have met my tall dream babe...Travis. He flicked pennies at nerd heads and reached out to pet a cat while being mobbed by drunk guys. Well.... I hate everyone but I really liked them.

We can take this weekend, drive out past city limits, keep on driving just as far as we can go. And we can take this weekend, and make it last forever, deal the shackles of our lives a breaking blow. Because to run away is victory, a tank of gas is freedom, and a starry night and open road is hope. We can take my fast car, or maybe just close our eyes, and when we open them the world we want can be the world we know.

One month, I'm gone.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Old man Sam.

So, I woke up to interesting text messages from an old coworker at Whole Foods, where I was a cashier until three months ago when my dad died and I broke my foot. I had only worked there for a couple months but I apparently made more friends there than I even realized, including an amazing older Syrian man named Sam. He used to come through my line, almost daily, with the most positive attitude in the world and always asking me about my life, my boyfriend, and also for 50% off his bill, and then cracked up at his own jokes for at least a minute straight while his combed-over little hairs on his empty head would bounce around.

Here's what Ed told me.

"So this customer named Sam comes in and asks about you today. I told him you went back to Ann Arbor and he got so mad. Then he asked about your boyfriend, and I told him you guys broke up and he was like, 'she is such a nice girl, I wish I had the chance to know her.' Then he said you should have cooked for Tymm. 'She should know that a way to a man's heart is through his stomach not PUSSY JUICE.' When he said pussy juice I almost just died. Also he said you were gonna invite him to your birthday party..."

Only that old foreign man would say pussy juice thinking it's socially acceptable. Reason #41,000 I miss that job. I'm gonna go find this 60 year old Sam, tell him I love him and his charmingly innocent/vulgar brain, and invite him to my birthday party at the beach.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

unlisted track - jawbreaker

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I can't even be nice about this anymore. Your "epic, beautiful, neverending" faith is all based off of selfishness. And unfortunately for you, the world is much bigger than outside of YOUR trivial life. So while you can fill pages upon pages about your love for a god that isn't listening, I can sum up my argument in one sentence:

It is generally accepted that we must assume things do not exist unless we have evidence that they do...even theists follow this rule most of the time; they don't believe in unicorns, even though they can't conclusively prove that no unicorns exist anywhere.

God is a unicorn. Awesome idea, but it's just that. An idea in a human's mind. Get over yourself and take a fucking class on evolution.
I chase dreams that don't exist.