Over.

I wasn't kidding when I said I'd go to Austin if this was it. I'm anchorless. But I don't want this to be it. Nobody said it was easy.

On an even worse note, happy birthday dad. I wish you were still here more than anything in the world. I love you so much, I wish I could watch you blow out forty six candles today. Instead I've just got pictures and memories.

Why can't I ever stop where I want to stay?

I'm a hoss, but yo. Can it get hot enough to be at the beach yet? I need it, right now, every morning, running into Johnny's room and scrambling out the door with sleepy eyed friends, towels, clown sized sunglasses, bags of food that will clog our hearts, pop punk singalongs the whole way there. 

Come on summer, I am waaaaaiting to swim in you...

"Where Did You Go" by Valencia describes my life in detail.

"And it feels like this is the perfect time for me to say that deep down inside I'm hurting, but at least I know you're worth it. And if I hold myself with pride and accept the pain, then life will take me through these changes, because I have so much left to see."

My dad's birthday is 6 days away and it's really wrecking my heart. In the meantime I've been fucking up with everyone I love, by shutting down and being a nervous wreck half the time. Last night I let that side of me go and I finally let everything out. Luckily, Tymm's arms are always there to consume me and some of my friends' hearts are made of gold.

So long, someday I'll find the strength to move on.

Being back where I feel home was all I needed. I've got my dad on my mind all the time, but the feelings aren't so heavy anymore. They are just light and I can feel him all around me even though I know he isn't there. This is the best. I feel like I drifted too far and I'm swimming back to shore.

This must be the place.

Calcutta

Would you feel as good as I would here? I don't fear catastrophes as much as I hope to experience them in my lifetime. It's bound to happen anyway.

Do you need a lot of what you've got to survive?

MOVING IN, IN THREE HOURS.

Goodbye to the past couple terrible months of my life. Hello to OUR city, summer, a tiny hot beautiful cozy apartment, my best friend, my Tymm in two weeks...

There are mountains ahead, fuck the mountains behind.

Some people say I just got an attitude. Some people say I'm just hard to deal with. I just try to survive. Done some things that I'm not too proud of. You know you never want to hurt the people you love. Sometimes you've gotta look them in the eye and apologize.

Was this song written for me?

Oh in a dream
My father came to me
And made me swear that I’d keep
What's sacred to me
And if I get the choice
To live in his name
I'll find my way through the rain
Singing oh happy day...

I don’t mean to close the door
But for the record my heart is sore
You blew through me like bullet holes
Left stains on my sheets and stains
On my soul
You left me broke down beggin for change
Had to catch a ride with a man who’s deranged
He had your hands and my father’s face
Another western vampire different time same place
I have dreams that brings me sadness
Pain much deep that a river
Sorrow flow through me in tiny waves of shivers


- Coco Rosie, "Werewolf"

My stupid life.

So, I spent all day in bed yesterday because I'm sick. Around 9:30 pm last night, I'm sweating, naked, half asleep in bed with my glasses off. I hear some insane howling right outside my house and before I can even sit up, there is THIS ANIMAL (in the picture) who I think is a fucking WOLF in my house, on my BED, jumping all over my naked bod.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I can't see shit and I think I am wrestling a wolf or some other animal that's about to wreck my life, and then it lays down on my bed belly up and BARKS. It's a fucking friendly cutie baby husky, all white and silverz, and it's someone's dog who has actually came into our house another time last summer. So, after having a serious heart attack, the dog jumps off my bed and out of the house, and I am just sitting there in complete shock and all I hear is laughter from my mom or Dave or whoever was in the house.

Lesson of the day is shut the fucking screen door, Dave.

I seriously WOULD be the idiot who dies in her own bed by getting mauled by some crazy ass woodland creature. Fuck!

Let down.

Last night my little brother broke my heart.

"I just can't take it that he died a very sad person. I just wished I could have helped him and told him that people did care so much about him, including me. I had plans to take him to do everything he wanted to do...fishing trips and traveling, when I got the money. But I never even told him that. I couldn't because he was never sober for a fucking second and I couldn't be around him because it tore me up. Mom called him and told him I was worried sick about him and he was thrilled that I even cared. When his electricity got shut off, Jessica, the house was so scary because he blocked off every room and slept in the living room next to the gas fireplace to keep warm. Damn it. I can't stop crying now. I don't know. I just wanted to take him on real fishing trips and all those places he wanted to go. I just wanted to get rich so he wouldn't have to worry about a thing. I always said I wanted to make him happy before I made myself happy despite the way he treated me. He still deserved the best."

If I lose faith in this world, I hope it doesn't come as a surprise.