Friday, July 17, 2009

chicago. i am coming.

I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive. I have the wildest feeling in my guts when I think about leaving here at the end of August. Is it good timing? On one hand, the timing couldn't be better. I owe too much money to school so I can't go back this semester, my lease is up and I literally feel like home is nowhere, all my friends have these big plans and all I have is what is left over from my shattered big plans. I can look at it two ways. My plans are shattered, or maybe I don't need some fucking plan at all. I choose the second. I know now how foolish we were to think that things could ever have worked out for us. The entire time, he told me, "Jessica, you and I are two entirely different people." On the major things, religion, societal norms, humor, we were so in tune it literally felt magical. On the little things, not even close. Not even halfway. At some point in being with him, I developed a very raw hatred for a lot of things, where I once loved or at least tried to understand them. I became surprisingly bitter and most of this was probably my own fault, but misery loves company. This is not to say there weren't incredibly happy days. But happiness and love isn't enough. He told me that all along but I just shrugged it off in my typical lovestruck manner. "love is all you need." I heard that my whole life, I swore it had to be true. After every fight I tried to mend it with, "but it's us." and, "i love you." And each fight only got worse. I have never been pushed to that point before, where I would stand shaking and ready to wreck everything and anyone in my sight. The day we broke up, after I asked him to never bother coming back home again, my own body couldn't even handle it and I sat on the floor in the bathroom while my insides came out of my mouth and I realized that was it. I was done. There is only so much you can put yourself through before you just throw your hands in the air, waving an imaginary flag of defeat. I gave up. Shut my heart down, like a tomb. Then suddenly a new interest is sparked, in someone you never would have guessed. I found myself drawn to a new person and I realized there is life after these shit storms. It is possible to truly love someone until the day your body shuts down. I can hate and I can hurt and I can mope but above all I can still love again. The simplest things have brought me the most enjoyable comfort, things I didn't even realize I needed before. Saying goodnight to johnny every night, hearing sarah and erica's voice daily, texting amanda before I sleep, riding bikes with nick, making new friends from canada and california and frank and his homer phone calls, these are the things I need. and these are the things I have. So, back to where i started this entry? Is this good timing? Should I go? I feel like the things that matter the most to me are things I will be able to take with me no matter where I go. The wiring of my brain is something you would not believe.

Anyway, I'm late for work. Art fair can eat my shit, I'm tired of being tired. But at least I've had the best week of this summer.

This band has broken my heart and put it back together again too many times to count.This song is what letting go FEELS like.

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