Dad.

I still get goosebumps when I ring up flowers at work. Certain ones (I'm not even sure what type of flowers these even are) smell exactly the same way as the room my father's funeral was in. This is sick, I know, and I almost feel insane for nearly coming to tears in front of these people, buying these flowers; excited to go home and give them to their wives, who will most likely grab them and the first thing they will do is take a deep breath and let this scent that haunts me happily consume them. I smell these as I scan the plastic tag around the stems though and for a split second I see myself peering over a casket, staring at the body my beautiful dad once lived in, surrounded by all these living flowers. The view of his eyelids that are now shut forever and his body in that suit I never even saw him wear are enough to knock me off my feet but in just one second it passes and I can "feel" my hand touching my customer's next item: a small tomato, a bag of apples, a box of their favorite cereal, but I really can't feel a thing.

distance means nothing to me. it only makes me want to see you.

"She's better than my dream girl. She's real."

After watching 500 days of summer online last night, I realized that line is the best, ever.

I got so cranky because I missed someone so much. It is weird to miss someone again and to have someone on my mind all day. It is even weirder to be across the country from this person, separated by so many states and even time zones. I feel better now, after not sleeping yet and thinking about it all night. I think it's only natural to have nights like those sometimes.

I am still figuring all this out. I know that whatever is happening with us is not even near this point yet, but I was just realizing last night that no one will love you how you want to be loved, they’ll love you in the only ways they know how. Life throws everyone down drastically different paths, so how can we expect everyone to love in the same way? The person you’ll spend your lifetime with will love you in their way and you’ll love in yours, and maybe you’ll meet in the middle and it will last. None of us know what we’re doing...we’re just fumbling for matches in the dark. If you’re lucky, you'll strike the right one.

you're fine.

There are problems, and there are real problems. The vast majority of us don't have real problems. Our failure to appreciate this difference constitutes a major distortion of thinking--which has proved to effectively destroy more lives than all war and disease combined.

Listen, I know what's happening in this world--there are liars and cheats, there's prejudice, violence, greed, sickness...I know what's happening. I'm not going to let it deter me from living my life, though. Look, I live in this world, too. I'm tired of bad days and carrying this attitude around with me on my brainwaves. So long to all of that shit.

I feel like being cheerful. Not necessarily because I have things to be cheerful about but because I can't imagine being happy without first feeling happiness. I'm happy to live in this world with all it's shit, drudgery, and broken dreams. It is still a beautiful old world.

to-do.

Above all. I need one of these guys in my life:



1. Learn how to eat with chopsticks.
2. Transfer to school in CA. Pastry chef?!
3. Become fluent in spanish again.
4. Bike tour of japan.
5. INDIA.
6. Dolphin swims.

I really didn't want to let go of your hands and get on that airplane and come home. 17,280 minutes was reeeeeeeaaaaally not enough.

To sum it up, I fell in love with California, I fell in huge like with travis farmer, I fell into an ocean and seal/dolphin sighting obsession, and I give myself one year before I'm out of here. If that.

Sometimes taking off can open up your eyes to everything that lies in your heart.

I should have never come home.