When I stand behind the ice cream freezers at work patiently waiting for these little brats to finish screaming their orders to their pushover mothers, my mind wanders. As the turd is screeching about how he wants a bigger size or more than one flavor, I slip into a daze every time and I stare out the window and think about where I am, and where I want to be.

Where I want to be: Head underwater at Springmill pond. Swimming across the lake with Julie. Not wondering. Cutting all my jeans into shorts. Singing with all my favorites at Title Fight in July. In a car with Sarah and Johnny, singing terrible pop punk jams to eachother. In a tent with Amanda Martin in some dead serious woods. In a car full of my shit going to Chicago or Austin to live with Erica for a month or two or three or four. Disneyland. Jumping off a bridge into water (because all my friends are doing it). Whistling. I gotta learn to whistle first. Spitting into a cheap hotel pools after breaking into them with you and you and you. Starting a band (FINALLY) with Ryan Felton. Grandpa and dad's cabin on Sunrise Lake. Catching moths and lightning bugs in bottles but then letting them go to fabricate my sense of humanity. Feet on the dashboard, Morrissey dancing. Breathing in an ocean. Well deserved, fun bruises. Pretending to fight and just liking the touch. Phone calls with old voices. Dancing without clothes. High of 76. "I think I'll visit you at work tonight." Returned calls.

Where I am:

304 S. State Street, Ann Arbor, Michigan. 20 years old; 21 in a few weeks. Single. Okay with it. Broke. Thirteen dollars to last me an entire week...wish me luck. No hair. Summer. Went to the beach a few days ago and had the best day of summer, so far. Saves the Day stuck in my head. Empty apartment. Drinking grape juice from wine glasses. Best friends on the planet. Trying not to wonder where you are. It comes in waves.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. Wish you were still here dad.

don't let your heart run your life

To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving; it only means that you allow that person to find his or her own happiness without expecting him/her to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but is also setting yourself free from all the bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness take away your strength and weaken you, and never allow pain to dishearten you; but rather let yourself grow from bearing it.

Don't let your heart run your life. Be sensible, and let your mind speak for itself.

The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be.

I'm not the same anymore. I am looking up. No more "nostalgia forever." There are mountains ahead, fuck the mountains behind. For once, I feel challenged by the people I surround myself with. This is beautiful. You're bringing out the best in me. The long talks I wouldn't trade for the world, where when they're over, my ears are ringing and my eyelids are swollen with salt water creeping over the edges and I feel NEW. Or awake. Or both? I miss when you were afraid to be mean to me, when I didn't even know how to say your last name. I recognize now, though, that the truth is, everyone will hurt you. Gotta decide who's worth the pain. I'm still figuring this out.

Still young, still fucking up. I'll get this right one of these days. Sailin' on...

you made me such an asshole

You stole all the covers and fucked up my head.

I know that a lot of what I say has been lifted off of men's room walls.
Maybe I've crossed the wrong rivers and walked down all the wrong halls.
But nothing can change the fact that we used to share a bed
and that's why it scared me so when you turned to me and said:

"Yeah, you look like someone
Yeah you look like someone who up and left me low.
Yeah, you look like someone I used to know."

I asked the painter why the roads are colored black.
He said, " it's because people leave
and no highway will bring them back."
So if you don't want me I promise not to linger,
But before I go I gotta ask you dear about the tan line
on your ring finger.

Chicago heals me.

Time to focus on ourselves. I think at some point we forgot we were separate people and we actually do have two different hearts and lifes to live. This isn't goodbye, this is just see you later. Life is what happens while we're making plans.

I'm going to slow down. I will take JTB's advice and live by the hour. I will stop for every flower. My emotions shouldn't rule me the way they do. They overcome my logic, my senses, and they consume me.

Spending the last couple days in Chicago with good friends really brought me back to my senses. It's time to live for myself (and I hope you do the same). There are things I would like to do that you don't believe in. It's very likely that I won't be in Michigan after the next couple months pass. Our lease will be up on this apartment, I'll hopefully be able to transfer to a different Whole Foods, I'm not able to go back to school so I'll have a very open schedule; everything just seems to point to GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. Even just for a couple months. I feel like it's something I shoud do while I've finally got the time.

I guess we'll see where we are when the time gets here. For now I'm slowing down. These emotions will pass and my head will still be on straight.