Thursday, April 16, 2009
I'm alone but I'm not lonely. I have kinetic energy. The dividing line will separate us all. Sometimes it's those nights where I'm all I have is really all I need.
I wonder when or if it'll get easier. With each day I pretend to feel better but it's just getting harder, and becoming more "real." I still cry daily, possibly even hourly. I miss you, dad.
It's strange how the sun can shine when your father's dead and you're stuck behind a window. But it's only strange until I say fuck it, I will never be stuck anywhere.
Last night felt good. I slept in my best friend's bed while he snored on the couch and I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't even sad or miserable or anything intense. Okay I think maybe I was 10% sad since I was sleeping alone for the first of 35 nights without Tymm but otherwise, I didn't even know what I was doing crying like that into Johnny's pillows. I have the most wild emotions right now and I don't have the energy to sort them out so I just cried last night because I feel so bad and I feel so good. I feel guilty for having amazing days. I feel guilty when I sit with my best friend and laugh until we're drooling (we're pigs). But when I am happy like that, I savor it and I push away the guilt and it doesn't come back until I try falling asleep.
That's when I feel stuck, and I panic and wonder with intensity if the grip on my heart will ever loosen up. That's when I replay my day and the smiles and the faces of the people who made me laugh and then the guilt slams into me and my eyes fill up. And that's when I have to tell myself to shut up because after all of this, I deserve these good days and I deserve these amazing friends. And I close my eyes and push every thought out of my way until all I see is black and after hours of this, I finally sleep.
So, those are my nights, and these are my days. Today will feel good. Picking up Dave Kloc from the airport, he's home from LA for a couple days. Great dude. Then watching the Office with the usual bebes and their dogs, I HOPE.
I'm alone, but I'm not alone. I have kinetic energy.