Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I can feel myself turning back into the girl I was in that picture. Where I had a better attitude, I saw my friends every day, I ate ice cream in my second family's ice cream shop and then Sarah and I laid together on this hill every single day, where I drove out to go swimming in my dad's pool, where I woke up every morning in my mom's house to either her or the dogs making me laugh before I even opened my eyes, where I didn't even know how to pronounce Tymm's last name so I just pretended he only had a first name, where we'd spend every night in Johnny's backyard around a shitty fire we could never keep going and then end up getting ten people naked and swim, where my grandpa didn't have cancer yet and was still hammering shit in his basement, where I hid moth balls in Mrs. Gibbs hallway and stunk up the entire ice cream shop on accident, where Julie still drove around in that T-model junk ride with star wars stickers everywhere, where I rode my bike more than I drove my car, and where everything felt RIGHT.
March 2009 and the beginning of this month had the potential to wreck me. It was literally my worst nightmare coming true. Moving to Royal Oak and instantly dealing with the creepy Chelsea shit, my stubborn beautiful dad's life being taken from him, breaking my foot on the day of his funeral, and the downward spiral from those two situations. But I feel it closing. I've never wanted something to end as much as I wanted March to.
I know I'm turning back into the girl in that picture because I can feel the brakes slowing and my clear state of mind returning. I can't expect to come to a complete halt and everything just fall back into place. But I can appreciate the slow days I have now, laying in bed, feeling the love of my life's skin next to mine as I rest, dreaming about summer and baseball fields and slipping into the clear water at the beach, teaching my friends dogs to swim, putting some money together somehow to drive out to one of Fireworks shows this summer since he'll be gone for months at a time. I can appreciate my future.
Despair can ravage you if you turn your head and look down the path that's lead you here. Because, what can you change? You're a vessel now, floating down the waterways. You can take your rudder, and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake. Just sail, belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back. To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have. And your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play. You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause. And as the curtains fall just know you did it all the best that you knew how. And you can hear them cheering now, so let a smile out and show your teeth because you know you lived it well.
I am coming home.