Monday, October 26, 2009

I was kissing your eyelids when I should've been in college.

Trav is in an airplane zoomin' over a bunch of states on his way home. I feel a lot of different ways. I feel great that I just got to spend another 12 days listening to how he says "water" and waking up to the sound of him snoring every morning. On the other hand, I feel really bad that he was here for one of the worst moments of my/my mom's life.

I can't help but wonder if there are any more seams holding my life together that could possibly rip. I will actually just fall apart. It doesn't make sense to me how drastically different my life is now compared to just six or seven months ago. Everything is different. I watched my own father die. This alone was enough to wreck me from the inside out, but somehow I kept it together enough to pass through the days. It's been seven months and all that's different from the moment I lost him is that I don't cry as much. It certainly does not hurt any less, though, and I still can't get over how he went. This is a major reason why seeing my mom's boyfriend stand over her body, lying on the floor where he threw her, one week ago, kicking her in her stomach and side and back and legs--this is why nothing makes sense to me. The effect that alcohol has had on my life slams into me, daily. Alcohol is a constant reminder that will always take away the things I love. Even my mother's pride. After it happened, after the cops left and the house was left trashed and mattresses flipped over, I sunk into the spot between Trav's arm and chest. I wondered how the fuck anyone can reach this point. I wondered when a man could let himself go so badly to the point where he is throwing a woman he loves out from a bed they share and onto the floor where he beats her. I wonder if I hadn't been home what it would've taken for my mom to call the police on her own. Would she have ever? It crushes me to even think about. I also wondered how the fuck this had to happen when Travis was here for the first time. Needless to say, I was pretty fucked up or a few days afterward, though things have settled and feel like they're getting better, now.

There are just some things I have no control over. "Life is what happens while we're making plans." Since July, things have been so insanely different and weird for me. Falling intensely and hard for someone was not something I wanted to do for a very long time, if ever again. When you are crushed by someone else or even when you crush another person, what's the point? You take everything that you still have going for you, and you take your heart and you slam the fucking door shut. A heart like a tomb. Maybe a person or two will come along who shake you up, in the moment, but you're still mad and you're still bitter and you end up dreading even hearing from these people and within a week you've successfully managed to ignore and hurt them. Oh well.

But you did something that I didn't plan on. I still do not know how you did it, because I was content being alone and rude and never opening that tomb for anyone else again.

Oh well. Got me under your spell.

The whole point of this post was going to be about how I think it's funny I am not in school right now, while all my friends are flipping their wigs about essays and exams. Instead I am going back and forth across the United States just to figure out what you're doing to my heart. Every time it feels even better.

The only thing you need sometimes are chilly nights and warmer thighs. 'Cause nothing's like being held, sometimes.

And I meant what I said in my car.

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