"Where Did You Go" by Valencia describes my life in detail.

"And it feels like this is the perfect time for me to say that deep down inside I'm hurting, but at least I know you're worth it. And if I hold myself with pride and accept the pain, then life will take me through these changes, because I have so much left to see."

My dad's birthday is 6 days away and it's really wrecking my heart. In the meantime I've been fucking up with everyone I love, by shutting down and being a nervous wreck half the time. Last night I let that side of me go and I finally let everything out. Luckily, Tymm's arms are always there to consume me and some of my friends' hearts are made of gold.

So long, someday I'll find the strength to move on.

Last night felt unbelievably great. New Found Glory. Everyone I love surrounding me singing our guts out. Tymm's life is seriously becoming unreal. I'm so proud of him and excited for everything his band is looking forward to. Bummer that it means he'll be gone much more, but it's just a small price to pay for all the good things coming his way...

So happy to get the fuck out of this house and into a tiny apartment with my best friend in downtown Ann Arbor. Back to my ice cream shop, back to where I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've got a million things on my mind, but I feel alright. Cast my worries to the side, focus only when I get the time. I will get there safely. I feel so lucky to have the few perfect friends that I do. I've got big plans with them for this season. Summer is here...I can feel all the beach days right around the corner. I will LIVE in a lake this summer. I am anchorless.

For sanity's sake, I wish my dad could leave my mind for at least a few moments a day. I literally spend all of my time thinking about him. Just wondering if things could've been different. I listen to "Anchorless" by the Weakerthans at least twice a day and the water balloons behind my eyelids pop.

"They called here to tell me that your're finally dying, through a veil of childish cries. Southern Manitoba prairie's pulling at the pant leg of your bad disguise. So why were you so anchorless? Shoebox full of photos; found a grainy mirror. Sunken cheeks and slender hands. Grocery lists and carbon-copied letters offer silence for my small demands. Hey how'd you get so anchorless? Got an armchair from your family home. Got your P.G. Wodehouse novels, and your telephone. Got your plates and stainless steel. Got that way of never saying what you really feel: so anchorless. A boat abandoned in some backyard. Anchorless in the small town that you lived and died in."

Thank you for fixing me just in time for you to say goodbye again. I will have a knot in my stomach for the next thirty five days. Thank you for making me see there's a life in me. It was dying to get out. I love you. Pinky swear.

Today Tymm, Ryan, Aaron and I went to the Detroit Zoo. It's in walking distance from our house but since I'm in my moon boot we had to drive there and they took turns crashing me into fences/walls in a wheelchair. The underground polar bear and seals exhibit blew my mind. Completely surrounded by water, polar bears can stand on your head and seals can just hang out next to you. I also fell in love with artic foxes and pudu and warthogs, as always. The lions roared at eachother back and forth until they fell asleep. It was wild. Also extremely cold and we were all underdressed. I am still numb. Nap time. Good day. Thanks for pushing me dudes. And thanks for always carrying me around, my Tim!

ps. We really wanted to steal a prairie dog but we had no way to hide it because I forgot my purse. Also Aaron almost got killed by a peacock and a duck. Goodnight.

I can feel myself turning back into the girl I was in that picture. Where I had a better attitude, I saw my friends every day, I ate ice cream in my second family's ice cream shop and then Sarah and I laid together on this hill every single day, where I drove out to go swimming in my dad's pool, where I woke up every morning in my mom's house to either her or the dogs making me laugh before I even opened my eyes, where I didn't even know how to pronounce Tymm's last name so I just pretended he only had a first name, where we'd spend every night in Johnny's backyard around a shitty fire we could never keep going and then end up getting ten people naked and swim, where my grandpa didn't have cancer yet and was still hammering shit in his basement, where I hid moth balls in Mrs. Gibbs hallway and stunk up the entire ice cream shop on accident, where Julie still drove around in that T-model junk ride with star wars stickers everywhere, where I rode my bike more than I drove my car, and where everything felt RIGHT.

March 2009 and the beginning of this month had the potential to wreck me. It was literally my worst nightmare coming true. Moving to Royal Oak and instantly dealing with the creepy Chelsea shit, my stubborn beautiful dad's life being taken from him, breaking my foot on the day of his funeral, and the downward spiral from those two situations. But I feel it closing. I've never wanted something to end as much as I wanted March to.

I know I'm turning back into the girl in that picture because I can feel the brakes slowing and my clear state of mind returning. I can't expect to come to a complete halt and everything just fall back into place. But I can appreciate the slow days I have now, laying in bed, feeling the love of my life's skin next to mine as I rest, dreaming about summer and baseball fields and slipping into the clear water at the beach, teaching my friends dogs to swim, putting some money together somehow to drive out to one of Fireworks shows this summer since he'll be gone for months at a time. I can appreciate my future.

Despair can ravage you if you turn your head and look down the path that's lead you here. Because, what can you change? You're a vessel now, floating down the waterways. You can take your rudder, and aim your ship, just don't bother with the things left in your wake. Just sail, belly up to the clouds, the rocks scraping your back. To breathe in the air will be the only thing that you have. And your love will be warm nights with pockets of moonlight spotlighting you as you drift, the actor in this play. You walk across the stage, take a bow, hear the applause. And as the curtains fall just know you did it all the best that you knew how. And you can hear them cheering now, so let a smile out and show your teeth because you know you lived it well.

I am coming home.

Internet slobs.

Click the comic to view the entire thing.

I'm tired of drooling, lethargic loser boys with throat tattoos and fitted hats approaching me at work, with "Like, where do you get your ink done...? Shit's tight."

I DOUBT IT. Then, they find me on myspace and add me. WHO DOES THAT. Gross. I should just start posting pictures of these clowns with their really perfect quotes.

FTW. Tymm, stop being in my favorite place to eat in Chicago and hit the icy roads already. Six hours until you're in our bed again.

I think I broke my toe kicking a can at work. Imagine that. Oh, fuck my life.

Dass wussup.

Mark my wurdz. Tonight I made the switch from my 2003 livejournal account (songforamixtape) to blogspot. The sole reason being that all my favorite bands now use this site and it never registered until now in my head that I should just use this, too. Epiphanies rewl. I wish Tymm would stop touring and just marry me and stuff me full of kids so I can shop 'til I cook. God bless 'merica.

ps.
I want to start a new ritual where I add a picture in every single entry. So there's the first one. It's from while I was in Austin, Texas last week. This is the tattoo I got with my tiny friend Erica (that's her neck, I don't have a picture of mine yet) that Tymm drew....Thanks Wu-Tang. C.ats R.ule E.verything A.round M.e!