Being back where I feel home was all I needed. I've got my dad on my mind all the time, but the feelings aren't so heavy anymore. They are just light and I can feel him all around me even though I know he isn't there. This is the best. I feel like I drifted too far and I'm swimming back to shore.

This must be the place.

PS

This is my bedroom, and outside that window is a long stretch of roof from the apartment building and Jordan (the guy who lives there right now) said it's the best spot in the world to sit on at night. I will be sleeping on the roof. Perfect life.

This will not be as funny to you as it was to us.

Johnny and I signed the lease to our new apartment last night. Tymm got to see it, too, finally. Though he will only be there for maybe 2 weeks the entire time we live there, haha.

Anyway we had to meet the landlord in his "office" which was, from the outside, this abandoned shithole building. He lets us in and our eyes POP. The place is like a fucking enchanted castle inside. It's all restored, redecorated, and insanely gorgeous inside. The ceilings seemed neverending and in the living room was this intense stained glass ceiling. So this goofball with a toupe on his dome sits us at this fancy dining room table and we're all just sitting there (johnny and i plus the dudes who live in our apartment currently) while the landlord gets his paperwork together upstairs.

So he comes down, after about ten minutes of us sitting without him, marvelling at the fucking mansion we're sitting in. I instantly notice his toupe is going to slide off his sweating head because of the intense humidity in the room and I am already filled with laughter. The entire time I feel Johnny kicking me and I seriously almost lose my mind. The landlord keeps going on and on about he is an attorney, owns 7 businesses BESIDES his rental property, invented some golf machine, is this really important rich dude, blah blah blah. I am texting Johnny underneath the table the whole time about this guy's fucking hair and FINALLY the landlord's cell phone rings and in the middle of interviewing us, he answers it on HIS BLUETOOTH (a 65 yr old man with a bluetooth) and says, "HI CANDI" in the goofiest voice I have ever heard. I turn to Johnny and we fucking burst. Our faces are dark shades of red and we can't stop laughing. I keep saying, "I'm seriously dying, it's so hot," Johnny has both hands on his face, Jordan across from us is pulling his hair, and the landlord is seriously clueless that we're all dying because of this fucking wig on his brain. Typically I would think this is adorable, but the dude is some rich goon who kept making TERRIBLE jokes about us coming home drunk. It doesn't register to people that SOME PEOPLE DON'T DRINK. He made this joke probably five times before he realized nobody was laughing.

Anyway I wrote that strictly for memory purposes, because I NEVER want to forget how hilarious that situation was. Writing it out does it nearly no justice as compared to being there in that 100 degree room with Johnny and two strangers and our sweaty landlord with a wig. I have never felt so stupid. I could not stop laughing. I actually had to think about the past month of my life to stop laughing, that's how much it took.

So, that was our first experience with the landlord, and I'm sure there will be many more. Johnny thinks the lesson there was "don't judge a book by it's cover." But I think the lesson is "judge a landlord by his toupe."

Last night felt unbelievably great. New Found Glory. Everyone I love surrounding me singing our guts out. Tymm's life is seriously becoming unreal. I'm so proud of him and excited for everything his band is looking forward to. Bummer that it means he'll be gone much more, but it's just a small price to pay for all the good things coming his way...

So happy to get the fuck out of this house and into a tiny apartment with my best friend in downtown Ann Arbor. Back to my ice cream shop, back to where I feel comfortable in my own skin. I've got a million things on my mind, but I feel alright. Cast my worries to the side, focus only when I get the time. I will get there safely. I feel so lucky to have the few perfect friends that I do. I've got big plans with them for this season. Summer is here...I can feel all the beach days right around the corner. I will LIVE in a lake this summer. I am anchorless.

For sanity's sake, I wish my dad could leave my mind for at least a few moments a day. I literally spend all of my time thinking about him. Just wondering if things could've been different. I listen to "Anchorless" by the Weakerthans at least twice a day and the water balloons behind my eyelids pop.

"They called here to tell me that your're finally dying, through a veil of childish cries. Southern Manitoba prairie's pulling at the pant leg of your bad disguise. So why were you so anchorless? Shoebox full of photos; found a grainy mirror. Sunken cheeks and slender hands. Grocery lists and carbon-copied letters offer silence for my small demands. Hey how'd you get so anchorless? Got an armchair from your family home. Got your P.G. Wodehouse novels, and your telephone. Got your plates and stainless steel. Got that way of never saying what you really feel: so anchorless. A boat abandoned in some backyard. Anchorless in the small town that you lived and died in."

Yesterday was one month. When we got our new apartment yesterday I wanted to call my dad and flip my wig about how excited I am and ask him to help me move my things. But he isn't there to call, he isn't standing in his kitchen looking at birds through binoculars or watching my little brother shoot hoops in the backyard. He is gone.

I need you so much closer.